What the heck is this????

Paraprosdokians - Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

+ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
+ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
+ Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
+ If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
+ Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
+ Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
+ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
+ A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
+ Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
+ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman.
+ You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
+ The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas.
+ Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
+ Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even though you wish they were.
+ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
+ You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
+ I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
+ Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.